Friday, March 13, 2009

Casually Creating Casualties

First of all, I've been "sexually active" for a year and a half now. I also have not been in a relationship for slightly longer than that. Needless to say, I've been sleeping with friends and casual acquaintances. Despite the fact that the sex is great (or so they say) we always seem to a) stop sleeping together and b) stop being on good terms. So my question is... how do I have casual sex without feeling like I'm simultaneously pushing people away?

xoxo GG

safeword asked follow up questions to get more dirt on the situation...GG responded...

Usually the slow flirtation and eventual physical relationship (often happens rather quickly... college and hormones and all). The last two lasted... 3 weeks each? A week of having sex every day, then slowing down, and then the awkward sex and then the stop. This last one was because he "needed to stay away from anything resembling a relationship, and maybe we could find a middle ground sometime later when he figures things out" and the one before he realized he "actually had feelings" for another girl, and wanted to go do the monogamy thing with her. I am pretty open about my wanting no strings attached, open-relationship type situations. Recently it has been ending more on their end, which makes me feel like something is going wrong, though I might just be picking the "wrong guys" (girls too, but lately its only been guys).

Dear GG,
I am sorry the casual fling thing hasn't been working out as planned. I have several things I want to discuss regarding a no-strings attached (NSA) fuck buddy. I am assuming you don't mean a 1-time hookup from the way you describe your problem.

First, one of two things happens to all NSA relationships given time. Either they become serious, primary relationships "by accident" or people break them off due to boredom or fear they are getting too intense. So first, be it for better or worse, there will always be casualties with NSA flings. Some of these are completely beyond your control, so don't beat yourself up over it.

NSA's tend to happen for different reasons. For guys, they tend to most often want them because heterosexual men often view a girlfriend as "work." They also mistakenly assume a girlfriend means monogamy, and for horned up college aged guys, most would rather use a cactus covered in itching powder as a butt-plug. It is also important to note that guys are programmed to shove their dick in as many warm, moist holes as humanly possible, with preferential treatment given to any orifice connected to a human being.

Now, for the first boy. My best advice if you wanted it to continue is that you should have spread the sessions out a bit. Let me explain...strap yourself in because this might get a bit confusing. Boys, think that girls, think that any time spent together constitutes movement towards dating. In other words, if you are sexual with a guy in a NSA arrangement, he is most likely going to be hypervigilante about you falling in love with him. Whose to blame for this? Romantic comedies, archiac notions about female sexuality, scared boys and clingy, desperate girls the world over.

The way to make a man fall in love with you, generally, is to suck his dick often, ignore the fact he leaves his boxers on the sofa and never demand he remembers your birthday. Often, just enough time and orgasm makes a boy realize he is in love when it's too late to back down. Most men do not have a running self-evaluation process over their emotions in the early stages of a relationship. This is particularly true in their early 20's.

On the flipside, some guys are aware that relationships for male species, seem to just kinda happen. The first guy you mention most likely was insanely paranoid that, you were attempting to trick him with your crafty, witchy, female ways. A lot of straight men in this age range, do not truly believe that some girls just wanna have fun. (When the working day is know the rest.) The good news is as you get a bit older, you will find guys up for NSA who aren't quite as neurotic as hombre numero uno.

As for number two, I call bullshit on him. For whatever reason, he was finished with the hookup and decided to move on. The whole "I realized I have feelings for another girl" is the equivalent of salting the earth. Again, he most likely did this out of some irrational fear of 3 AM drunken text messages. Whatever his motivation, the route he chose was to send you a clear message that it was over.

So, how to pull off an NSA gracefully?
I'd like to reiterate at this point, sometimes you will fail just due to the age you're in right now. Sometimes, they will fail just because they are casual by nature. Second, before you hookup, tell him you do not want anything serious right now. It's worth stating clearly. Say it more often than you think necessary. Now, for the most important point--even if you feel like it, do not see each other more frequently than once a week (in the first few weeks at least.) Calls should be limited to setting up hook-ups. Do not forward a funny picture from failblog. Many boys will interpret this as creating an emotional bond. Keeping the sex spaced out will also prevent "spooking" boys into thinking you have some evil relationship snagging motive. It doesn't hurt to once and a while decline an offer of a hookup with "I'm too busy, but let's get together next weekend" even if the highlight of your weekend was going to be an Elvira movie marathon. I know all this sounds a bit melodramatic and insane, but welcome to sex in your early 20's.

Finally, if you've been fucking a friend and wish to return him to friend only status, I will warn you it can be difficult to achieve. It is possible, though. What you should do in that case is invite him to a party or other fairly large group event and add the line, "I bet there will be some really cute girls there." Joke and treat them like you've never so much as held his hand. Do not get drunk or high on that night. Do not hook up with him obviously. If you try to do something as duo but located back into the friend zone, he'll make passes at you and it will be awkward and embarrassing for both of you. You can only hang out "as friends only" alone if you have explicitly stated the hooking up is over. That might not always be the most enjoyable conversation to have because people assume that it means they suck in bed.

So good luck and happy hunting.
Until next time, have fun and remember the safeword.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Formatting issues

I am having weird formatting issues--some computers it is fine, others it is not. So from now on, I'm leaving the settings at default for now.

Now go back to wanking, sucking and fucking. :p

I'm not going to fix the old posts, lest I scream.

Also, if you enjoy this blog so far, pass the (safe)word on! I could use a little exposure.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

No ifs, ands, or dirty butts.

Dear Safeword,
When it comes to anal sex, how can one keep their corn hole clean so
as not to offend the giver? How can you keep it clean enough for some
rim action? Soaping it up seems logical, but is there more that can
be done to really make sure there's no funk or gunk?


Dear Bootylicious,

The good news is that it is quite easy. The bad news is it does require a little planning on your part. The best way to clean yourself out in preparation for anal penetration of all varieties is by using an anal douche. There are two main kinds available: an inexpensive travel douche or the "advanced" model that attaches to a shower head. I would recommend a travel model. They cost around $20 American dollars and can be found at most sex toy stores.
Here is what a typical one looks like:

To clean yourself in preparation for anal play, fill the bulb with slighly warm water. Then insert the plastic tube gently past the sphincter and squeeze the base to push the water into your anal cavity. Gently remove the douche and and the rinse will be very effective at getting all the gunk out. Repeat as necessary.

After flushing is completed, rinse and sanitize the douche before storing it away and you can finish by simply using soap to wash the outside of the perianal area.
As always, there are some extra considerations:
*Do not use soap or anything other than water for your douching liquid.
*It might give you mild cramps--these should go away within a few minutes after you release your bowels. If not you may be using more water than your body can handle, inserting the douche too roughly, squeezing the bulb too fast, or the temperature may be too hot.
*Make sure every last bit of water is flushed out of your rectum, unless you want a potential disaster.
*Do not use premixed vaginal douche kits as a substitute...the chemicals often found in them are too hard for the tissues in your digestive system.

I mentioned two types of equipment to keep your anal cavaity as clean as an operating room, the other type being nozzle douche for a tub. This connects to a shower head and usually comes with a diverter to switch water flow from the main shower to a stainless steel hose with a cylinder attachment at the end. This can be inserted anally while in the shower. I am not a fan of these for several reasons. First, they are much more expensive. They start at $70 and go up from there depending on brand and retailer. Also, one runs the risk of accidentally damaging the very sensitive anal tissue if the water flow is too powerful or the temperature in your shower suddenly spikes. They tend to be embraced by people who desire enema/water play, which is fine...but something of overkill for hygiene purposes. Finally, because they tend to be left in the shower because hooking/unhooking them isn't convenient, you may find house guests "curious about your unusual shower head." They might end up washing themselves with a rather personal product if embarrassment motives you to lie and say it's the hot new design from Europe. I am sure miss manners would frown on that.

So now you're armed with the tools for some stress free anal play. And if you ever
worried or haven't had time to prepare properly, play in other ways and save it for a
time when you can go into it with confidence. After all, sex is about enjoying
ourselves, not inducing paranoid panic attacks.

Until next hard and remember the safeword.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Respect Yourself, Protect Yourself.

Since it will most likely take some time to get the ball rolling on e-mails, I plan to occasionally post some general information rather than only respond to questions.

So, I'd like to start with how to engage in safer sex. Hopefully, most people reading this had sex education before the insanity that is "abstinence only" became a rip-off of federal funds by ugly ass Republicans. I am so glad hideous people are willing to risk the lives of youth in the name of their own conclusions reached by years of terrible sex. (That's the only reason I can imagine anyone buying into conservative views about sexuality. However, that's a different rant for a different post.)

So we're gonna make this condom 201. A little more advanced than the basics.

The double condom myth.
Two condoms does not equal twice the protection from sexually transmitted infections (STI). It does not quadruple your defenses. In fact, it lowers the effectiveness of latex condoms.

Why is that? Basically, friction. Latex when pressed against latex, causes quite a large amount of pushing/pulling/clinging. All of the pulling and heat causes a dramatic increase in the chance the condoms will cause both to tear.

So what should you do?
Ask about your partner's sexual post and current HIV status. Even if it's a fling. Do this
before you're naked and sweaty. It makes for an awkward conversation when your mouth is full of pussy, dick, or ass. So if you meet a hot boy or girl in a bar, ask them about their sexual past if you think you might wrestle naked. Buy them a shot as a thank you if they are willing to discuss it open and easily. Hey, the booze will only make you look hotter to him/her anyways. If they don't want to discuss it--you're still at the bar with plenty of other hotties to hit on.

Then when it is time for the hookup, use one condom, effectively. Be sure there is no bubble in the tip of the condom.
It can be fun and sexy to put the condom on your partner. If you plan to be the receiver, open the condom (carefully, without using your mouth to prevent puncturing the condom accidentally). Once you have it open, test which way it rolls over the tip of your finger. This can prevent the potentially awkward wrestling to roll the condom the wrong way and needing to correct it.

You might still fuck this up. If you feel embarrassed, fuck it. You're already naked. If you're comfortable enough to be naked with someone, you really shouldn't feel flustered for making such a common mistake. You may want to
gently pinch the base of the penis, behind the scrotum as you roll the condom down. Guys, you may want to do to the same or rub your cock before putting the condom on to facilitate the blood flow before covering it.

Now, before having intercourse, remember the importance of lube. Some womyn have more than enough natural lubricant, but it's always better to err on the side of using lube when not needed than to skip it when it is required. If you plan to have anal penetrative intercourse, use lots of lube! Although the anus has a lot of blood and flexibility--again, for safety and comfort--err on the side of too much.

Water based lubed might get "gummy" or "tacky" after a few minutes. You may want to consider silicone lube. This lube is very slick and really needs soap and water to be removed fully from skin. It lasts longer and never gets that sticky feeling water based lube does. Two notes of caution about silicone lubricant. First, it stains sheets. You may want to invest in cheap or old sheets specifically for play time if you enjoy this lube. Washing may or may not successfully clean the stained spots, so spilling it on 500 thread count organic, fair-trade, Egyptian cotton might cause you to turn emo. If you're having fun on a patio or in the bathroom, this stuff can be extremely slippery on tile floors and similar surfaces. Also, it may cause minor rashes in some individuals, especially when used in long sexual sessions (meaning several hours long.) The rash is painless and will normally go away in a few days. Don't freak out and assume it's an STI if this is your first experience with silicone. See your doctor if the region is sensitive, painful, or fails to go away after a day or two.

Oil based lube is excellent for masturbation and or sex toys, however,
it should never be used with latex condoms. Also, do not use silicone lubricant on silicone sex toys. The chemicals in both the toy and the lube will break each other down chemically. The end result will be a buttplug that looks like bad senior art show sculptures of Quasimodo. If only they taught this in Science class, I may have gotten honor roll the year I was stuck in chemistry.

That's all for now. I will expand more on this in my next post. Until next time...
Play hard and remember the safeword.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

The Safeword is live and waiting for your emails!

Why hello there!

I have wanted to do a blog and a podcast for a while. OK, so I had a blog, but I didn't keep up with it and it was just personal ranting and musings. So first up....the blog!

So what is this? This is a column devoted to sex and relationships. Not mine, you nosy hookers--yours! Yes, yours, my hopefully new found fans.

This will be (for now) a write in advice column. Not sure about how to discuss a bondage fantasy? Write in! Confused about the massive amount of lube out there on the market? Ask away! Have a painful red sore on your penis? Go see a doctor! Then write me once it's gone away. Just kidding about the last one. Please don't write or send pictures about a weird sore--just go see a medical professional ASAP.

So what makes me qualified to answer questions about all sorts of sordid sexcapades? Absolutely nothing. No really. Ok, I am lying already. For several years in high school and then for a short time in college, I was a safer-sex peer education volunteer. After that, I worked in a fairly hardcore adult toy store peddling electric catheters to pay for my rather useless undergraduate degree. I learned WAY more than I cared to know about just about everything related to kinky sex practices. I also minored in Womyn's Studies to further piss of my conservative family, which fortunately touched on quite a few issues of sexual identity and gender. I am also excellent at using google and wikipedia. (insert laugh track here). Really, I am sex positive, queer (which means you heteros all run to me with your problems anyways), * and a feminist. Yes, men can be feminists too.

*Being gay just makes you a good dancer and a fan of bad Lifetime made-for-T.V. movies. I have no idea why all of you think we are resources for sex and dating advice. Most gay men are hardly the pillar of maturity or stability when it comes to romantic relationships.

So if you want a fresh set of ears and some perspective on your problems, e-mail me. And after all, this ambitious project is free. Now for some legal mumbo jumbo:

-You must be 18 or older to play (or above the age of consent in your local.)
-By emailing me, you give your consent to have any portion or full email or other correspondence posted on the blog. You may do remain anonymous if you choose by giving a fake name. Email address will not be published or shared.
-You understand that this is not professional therapy and that I offer merely suggestions. While I will do my best, safeword is not responsible for any consequences that may occur from following any advice, suggestions or ideas given by the author or blog.

-You do not work for any legal agency, law firm, branch of any government, or stand in the express line of the grocery store with 53 items.

-You will not cut, copy, paste, plagiarize, rip-off, repost or do anything else skeezy with any part or parts of this column without the express, written consent of safeword. This includes but is not limited to: email interactions, posts, writing, links, or quoted information.

Ok, so if you're ready to acknowledge that I am completely unqualified to help you and that you're dumb to ask for my input, then send me your question or issues. Despite my self-deprecating humor, I will give you a serious and thoughtful response if I choose to include your submission. (skip obvious pun.) I will most likely tease you, but that's how I show I care.

The address is:
Please include Age or age range.."ie mid 20's, late 40's"/(expressed gender)/sexual orientation/name you'd like to be called in the article. I will use whatever you write so if you want your real name, send it in; if you want to be called "refrigerator" to protect your identity sign your letter "refrigerator."

One final note: if you're are transgendered, gender neutral or gender queer, please write your preferred pronouns especially if you wish for them to remain gender neutral. By default for gender neutral requests, I will use Ze/Mer/Zer/Zemself but random luck of me being most familiar with those terms. But short of saying "I use widdoweasheajanhekinloben in lieu of 'him'," I will honor your request.

Until then, play hard and remember the safe word.
--DJ McBastard aka Deej