Friday, March 13, 2009

Casually Creating Casualties

First of all, I've been "sexually active" for a year and a half now. I also have not been in a relationship for slightly longer than that. Needless to say, I've been sleeping with friends and casual acquaintances. Despite the fact that the sex is great (or so they say) we always seem to a) stop sleeping together and b) stop being on good terms. So my question is... how do I have casual sex without feeling like I'm simultaneously pushing people away?

xoxo GG

safeword asked follow up questions to get more dirt on the situation...GG responded...

Usually the slow flirtation and eventual physical relationship (often happens rather quickly... college and hormones and all). The last two lasted... 3 weeks each? A week of having sex every day, then slowing down, and then the awkward sex and then the stop. This last one was because he "needed to stay away from anything resembling a relationship, and maybe we could find a middle ground sometime later when he figures things out" and the one before he realized he "actually had feelings" for another girl, and wanted to go do the monogamy thing with her. I am pretty open about my wanting no strings attached, open-relationship type situations. Recently it has been ending more on their end, which makes me feel like something is going wrong, though I might just be picking the "wrong guys" (girls too, but lately its only been guys).

Dear GG,
I am sorry the casual fling thing hasn't been working out as planned. I have several things I want to discuss regarding a no-strings attached (NSA) fuck buddy. I am assuming you don't mean a 1-time hookup from the way you describe your problem.

First, one of two things happens to all NSA relationships given time. Either they become serious, primary relationships "by accident" or people break them off due to boredom or fear they are getting too intense. So first, be it for better or worse, there will always be casualties with NSA flings. Some of these are completely beyond your control, so don't beat yourself up over it.

NSA's tend to happen for different reasons. For guys, they tend to most often want them because heterosexual men often view a girlfriend as "work." They also mistakenly assume a girlfriend means monogamy, and for horned up college aged guys, most would rather use a cactus covered in itching powder as a butt-plug. It is also important to note that guys are programmed to shove their dick in as many warm, moist holes as humanly possible, with preferential treatment given to any orifice connected to a human being.

Now, for the first boy. My best advice if you wanted it to continue is that you should have spread the sessions out a bit. Let me explain...strap yourself in because this might get a bit confusing. Boys, think that girls, think that any time spent together constitutes movement towards dating. In other words, if you are sexual with a guy in a NSA arrangement, he is most likely going to be hypervigilante about you falling in love with him. Whose to blame for this? Romantic comedies, archiac notions about female sexuality, scared boys and clingy, desperate girls the world over.

The way to make a man fall in love with you, generally, is to suck his dick often, ignore the fact he leaves his boxers on the sofa and never demand he remembers your birthday. Often, just enough time and orgasm makes a boy realize he is in love when it's too late to back down. Most men do not have a running self-evaluation process over their emotions in the early stages of a relationship. This is particularly true in their early 20's.

On the flipside, some guys are aware that relationships for male species, seem to just kinda happen. The first guy you mention most likely was insanely paranoid that, you were attempting to trick him with your crafty, witchy, female ways. A lot of straight men in this age range, do not truly believe that some girls just wanna have fun. (When the working day is know the rest.) The good news is as you get a bit older, you will find guys up for NSA who aren't quite as neurotic as hombre numero uno.

As for number two, I call bullshit on him. For whatever reason, he was finished with the hookup and decided to move on. The whole "I realized I have feelings for another girl" is the equivalent of salting the earth. Again, he most likely did this out of some irrational fear of 3 AM drunken text messages. Whatever his motivation, the route he chose was to send you a clear message that it was over.

So, how to pull off an NSA gracefully?
I'd like to reiterate at this point, sometimes you will fail just due to the age you're in right now. Sometimes, they will fail just because they are casual by nature. Second, before you hookup, tell him you do not want anything serious right now. It's worth stating clearly. Say it more often than you think necessary. Now, for the most important point--even if you feel like it, do not see each other more frequently than once a week (in the first few weeks at least.) Calls should be limited to setting up hook-ups. Do not forward a funny picture from failblog. Many boys will interpret this as creating an emotional bond. Keeping the sex spaced out will also prevent "spooking" boys into thinking you have some evil relationship snagging motive. It doesn't hurt to once and a while decline an offer of a hookup with "I'm too busy, but let's get together next weekend" even if the highlight of your weekend was going to be an Elvira movie marathon. I know all this sounds a bit melodramatic and insane, but welcome to sex in your early 20's.

Finally, if you've been fucking a friend and wish to return him to friend only status, I will warn you it can be difficult to achieve. It is possible, though. What you should do in that case is invite him to a party or other fairly large group event and add the line, "I bet there will be some really cute girls there." Joke and treat them like you've never so much as held his hand. Do not get drunk or high on that night. Do not hook up with him obviously. If you try to do something as duo but located back into the friend zone, he'll make passes at you and it will be awkward and embarrassing for both of you. You can only hang out "as friends only" alone if you have explicitly stated the hooking up is over. That might not always be the most enjoyable conversation to have because people assume that it means they suck in bed.

So good luck and happy hunting.
Until next time, have fun and remember the safeword.

No comments:

Post a Comment